Life Lessons from Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

Anybody that knows me knows I loathe anything Kim Kardashian related – yet I found myself downloading her mobile game one night during a weak moment of boredom and curiosity. What was this game, that was earning $700,000 a day, really about? Why were grown women (and some men) playing this game as though it were Trivia Crack or Angry Birds? Acknowledging all the times I’ve dissed Kim K, I fought the voice in my head screaming “hypocrite” and decided to secretly download her game, only telling one other girlfriend, in hopes she would play too. I reasoned that if the game was free, there was no harm in checking it out.

FullSizeRenderSo, I downloaded it.

This is the story of 2 weeks I can’t get back.

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Hi! My name is Leanne. I am seeking A-list fame in hopes that my mentor Kim Kardashian can show me the ropes on how I too can build an empire that ensures my grandchildren’s grandchildren never have to work a day in their life.  Here’s how the game works: you complete “challenges” by merely tapping on blue buttons (aka, using energy that takes about 20 minutes to fully reboot) that are given to you by your PR and Manager in order to become an A-list celebrity. You start off on the E-list. The only way to accomplish appearances, dates, and assignments is to fill up the hearts/stars at the bottom of the game by pressing those blue buttons which represent actions like “Changing Wardrobe”, “Social Drinking”, “Small Talk”, “Pose For Pictures”, “Checking Negatives”, etc. You can gain fans by linking your social media accounts, like Facebook and Twitter, and you can gain currency by watching free ad’s or checking out their daily deals. If you want to move far along in this game, you best be prepared to either waste a lot of REAL time finishing the challenges, or spending a lot of REAL money to skip ‘waiting’ and get back to playing. The K star coin bar in the upper right is the holy grail of currency in the Kim Kardashian game – if you have tons of K coins, you have the liberty of buying yourself more energy (so you don’t have to wait to ‘re-up’ your energy), using the coins to network with people more famous than you, or to buy trendy virtual clothes.

*Don’t be fooled by the picture above – that outfit I’m wearing (the tank top with skulls and wings, accompanied by black leather pants and black heels) took a LONG time to obtain – I had to wait until I scored enough coins/cash to get that hairstyle and top.  See in the upper left corner I’m on level 12? By the time I got to choose my own clothing, I was basically over it. (KK:H Influence: but seriously, how cute is my outfit? It’s like, so me.)

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Throughout the game, you’ll have to kiss up to paparazzi and have to deal with this nit-wit, Willow. I hope Paris Hilton at least gets some royalties out of Kim Kardashian, not just for the whole making-Kim-relevant-and-famous thing, but for clearly using her image as the enemy in this game. No need to speculate, there is already a legitimate paparazzi picture of Paris Hilton wearing a red, flowy skirt with a white tank top and a belt, her blonde hair down and wavy – very similar to the avatar in KK:H. Don’t believe me? Google it.

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Anyway, this was the first occurrence that pissed me off;  you’re telling me this chick just called me gutter trash and ratchet, and the only option I have is to ‘leave quietly’? I’m a Jersey girl, ‘leaving quietly’ isn’t really our thing. But since that’s the only choice the game gives you, I had to stick my tail in between my legs and leave quietly. I complained (to nobody in particular) about my annoyance of having to cower down to bitches higher on the social scale than I was, but then I remembered that this was just a game…or was it?

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Ah, yes. The helpful (albeit, realistic?) tips to ‘get on the A-List’ that are thrown throughout the game are pretty blunt… “Getting new clothing, cars, and homes can increase your star power for love and work.” What the game doesn’t tell you is HOW TO BE BORN INTO A FAMILY WHERE YOUR FATHER IS A SUCCESSFUL HIGH-PROFILE BEVERLY HILLS LAWYER so you can afford these things. Or you can take Kim K’s route (shockingly not an option in her game) which is to DISTRIBUTE A SEX TAPE THAT RAKES IN MILLIONS OF REVENUE.

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“Working on projects like photo shoots, appearances, and modeling gigs is the main way to get rich and famous.” This is technically a valuable piece of advice for those who are trying to make it in Hollywood – the only constructive tip you’ll find in this game.

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Maria Holmes, the PR queen. I like this chick. She had my back when Willow was smearing me in the tabloids, even if it meant having to ‘take the high road’ instead of getting revenge. But duh, of course I had to get revenge since I had been forced to ‘leave quietly’ earlier in the game. So I clicked on that option, even if nothing much came from it other than nasty tweets about her work ethic.  My social status went up though…which proves that in this game, the more you slander somebody, the more popular you can become. Please, don’t try this at home.

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I went on 3 dates with Dirk Diamonds (an E-list model from Hollywood) and all of a sudden I’m being pressured to go on 3 more in hopes he’ll pop the question. In the Kim Kardashian game, all it takes is a few 4 hour dates – which are still challenges, especially since you take care of the check every single time (WTF?!) – to seal the deal with the man of your choice.  Kim Kardashian has famously compared herself to Elizabeth Taylor, and if KK:H’s love strategy is the same as Kim’s in real life, she may very well be on her way.

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 Three words: Way harsh, Tai.

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Is “the good stuff” a drug reference? I had already powered through buying the bar a few rounds and ‘drinking socially’ – how much am I supposed to drink in this game, especially since Kim Kardashian herself barely drinks? This may be the one thing that women SHOULD take from real-life Kim Kardashian – DON’T drink. If you don’t drink, you remain professional and responsible, and you never have to worry about pictures of yourself falling outside of the Chateau Marmont being published on TMZ.

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Oh, that’s just me and my mortal enemy, Willow, doing a photo shoot together even though she just tried to ruin my reputation. Strangely enough, that is how I look when standing next to people that don’t like me in real life too. 

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In KK:H, the characters are super-proud of themselves and don’t miss a moment bragging or talking themselves up. You have to spend valuable currency to ‘network’ or ‘flirt’ (a celebrity can cost 50+ K coins, again, only do-able if you’ve spent real money). Since I didn’t want to waste my earnings or time on kissing ass, I didn’t gain many fans. Again, much like real life.

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 Wait, you’re a novelist but you’re wearing a bikini in a fancy restaurant? Tell me again how you hope nobody judges you by your cover.

Oh, and the people you come across in this game are downright nasty, whether they are “someone” or not.

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This was the beginning of the end. God Forbid I go to sleep during an 8 hour modeling session, all of a sudden I’ve ruined my career. Not to mention, I was simultaneously hosting a 4 hour party, buying a condo in Beverly Hills, working a shift at Dash: Miami, and on a date with my future fiancee.  All of this while still living my real life! That shitty appearance cost me followers and I was pissed.

This was the point in time when I realized I was beginning to lose it.

FullSizeRender-2(That hair IS cute though, right? I mean by uh, avatar standards?)

So there was a special weekend offer for $1.99 for 50 K Star coins, full energy rebooted and free sunglasses. I NEEDED THE ENERGY REBOOT AND THE K COINS WOULD ALLOW ME TO GET THE TANK TOP I WANTED AND THE SUNGLASSES WERE CUTE AND I ALWAYS WEAR SUNGLASSES IN REAL LIFE SO I JUST HAD TO HAVE THIS DEAL…so there I was, charging $1.99 that would go directly into Kim Kardashian’s (and the app’s developers) pocket, only to have buyers remorse once all of my energy was gone again a half hour later.  Sure, $1.99 isn’t much, but when you don’t have Kardashian-type money and you’re giving away your REAL hard earned money in hopes of becoming a celebrity on a virtual mobile game…. there is something wrong with that.

Suddenly….

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OH GOOD! I finally achieved the D-list. After countless challenges where I literally watched the clock in real-time to see how long it would be before my energy rebooted, I was now on level 11 and above the lowly E-list. ‘Wait’, I realized, ‘How many levels does this game have?’ It took me 11 levels and almost two weeks to get to the D-list, how long would it take before I hit the A-list?  I wouldn’t wait around to find out. 

But before I decided to go, Dirk had a question for me.

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I said yes, but because he was still on the E-list, and even though we were #89 on the Top 100 Couples List, I lost a few fans for ‘marrying down’. It didn’t matter that he was the only good person I came across in the entire game, which was full of snobby guys and mean girls (except for angelic Kim and overly friendly Kris Jenner).  I guess in Kim Kardashian’s world, getting famous (by sucking up and posing nude for sketchy photographers) outweighs surrounding yourself with genuine people who don’t care about how well-known you are. Regardless of how friendly she is in the game (free daily gift giveaways and throwing parties in your honor, thanks Avatar Kim!) it doesn’t change the fact that she’s sending a message out into the world: it pays off to be shallow, and beautifully.

Moral Of The Story:

Take this advice: don’t take Kim’s.

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